Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
