fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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