why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
