No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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