First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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