Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
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I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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