my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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