My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
