does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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