Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I am one with the molecules
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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