My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I have aggressive nipples.
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