omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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