we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
