considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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