i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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