I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
