I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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