who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
