i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
