I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
