ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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