Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
