im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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