Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
