My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
