does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
