Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
