Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
