I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
