I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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