benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
