I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
