MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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