are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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