i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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