I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
