either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
