Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
