I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
