i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rumble strips road head = magical
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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