Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
