they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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