It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
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Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
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You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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