I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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