WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
