Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
