at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
