I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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