My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
