I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
