It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
