i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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