My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Text me some of your sweat
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
