I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
false alarm, still single
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
