I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My balls are so social today.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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