I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
