in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Someone came in the potted fern
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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