i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
