i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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