I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
